When we talk about non-monogamy one of the first questions that always comes up is, “But don’t you get jealous?” There is often a false impression that if you do struggle with jealousy then you are somehow not good at non-monogamy, or shouldn’t try it; or that it doesn’t exist for non-monogamous people. Far from it!

In my early days of trying non-monogamy (I identified as polyamorous at the time), I found myself relatively “natural” at it (I cringe at this statement now). I didn’t struggle with a lot of jealousy when my then wife was out seeing other people. To be perfectly honest it mostly turned me on! 

But, as I started dating other people and they were out with others it was a different story! Something about the newness and lack of established, stable relationship felt a lot more risky. What really got to me was when my now-anchor partner would spend the week with another partner and our daily communication would suddenly dry up. He always made an effort to stay in connection, but the pattern of communication was very different. Our time and contact would be significantly lower. And it was in that silence that my mind would spin every tale imaginable. I was certain I would be forgotten. She was clearly amazing in bed and I’d never measure up. She was definitely better at giving h**d (this one is objectively true, ha!). What if she vetoes me??? (Never mind our common partner doesn’t believe in hierarchy or vetoes!)

It was only with a lot of vulnerability, tears, communication and time that I came to be comfortable with this. It’s still not easy when he spends multiple days with others and the communication shifts, though. But I’ve come to savor the shifts, too. I have time for myself and my own thoughts. Not everything needs to be about other people. We neglect our own value and our company so often, anyway; it’s useful to be reminded to take time for myself. 

“Compersion” seems to be the ultimate goal– that is, a pleasant/positive feeling about your partners being with others– their happiness giving you happiness, too. It’s a real thing- I do experience compersion pretty frequently. But it’s not an end goal, and it’s not a consistent reality for a lot of people. And that’s ok!

The thing about jealousy is that it’s really a broad umbrella word that we use to talk about a lot of different emotions. We might really feel a lot of different things, like: 

• Fear– We might fear losing our partner to another (nevermind they don’t have to choose– that’s the beauty of non-monogamy!); or fear losing connection; or fear that the other person/people they are with are somehow better/ more this/ less that;
• Envy– If our partners have more partners than we do, or are “more successful” at being poly/swinger/RA/whatever flavor of non-monogamy you are, we might envy their success. Or, if they go to a cool event, or travel to a place we want to go, or try some new position or type of play we’ve never done, we might actually be feeling envy; wanting the things they have or do.
• Attachment wounds– A LOT of what is under the surface of jealosy is really related to our triggers around attachment. Particularly for those with anxious or disorganized attachment, it can be a struggle to identify and process feelings of jealousy and understand that they are touching deep, old wounds with childhood attachment figures. If you had a parent or parents who weren’t securely attached or who were avoidant or emotionally immature, it’s common to constantly seek reassurance that people are still present, that they won’t leave, that they see you. And when a partner is unavailable, or with someone else, it can cause incredibly strong emotional responses and outright panic at the idea of being left alone. And if you are avoidant you might find yourself running away from the feelings or partners that trigger these wounds.
• Unmet needs– We might have a need for a lot of reassurance, or we might need to feel extra special the next time we see our partner after they’ve been with others, or we might need more detail about what they’re up to (with consent of the other person, of course) so that we have a better understanding of their other relationships. We make all kinds of stories in our heads about other people or our partner’s other relationships– most of the time they aren’t true! If we’re not getting those needs met, it can leave us feeling really alone, triggered and unseen.
• Anger– Anger is also frequently a cover emotion. We get angry at our partners for not answering the phone, for “avoiding us”, for doing things with others that we want to do ourselves, for feeling like the other person is being treated better in some way. While these things can certainly be true depending on the person, a lot of times, this anger is also covering up any (or all!) of the above. 

So what can you do? If you experience any of these should you just close back up your reslationships and give up on the whole non monogamy thing? Unfortunately, the only way through these difficult emotions is to feel them. Sit with them. Befriend them. If you can allow yourself to dive in instead of run away or react in a knee-jerk way, you can start to upack what might be underneath. 

Try to explore what you’re feeling- what emotions it brings up, what memories, words, sounds, places or people. Any of these things can be hints to where the triggers might be stemming from. More often that not, it’s not actually our partners. Rather something they have done (or we have interpreted) is touching a deeper wound or desire or unmet need. 

And once we have a sense of where these feelings are coming from, we can identify what we might need to work on, or what our partner can do to help us feel better. We can have a discussion with our partners about what makes us feel vulnerable, what seems to be triggering our wounds or what fears are coming up for us. And with that knowledge, we can create a plan; ways of checking in before or after; words of reassurance or affirmation that we want to hear; or things we want to or don’t want to know about what they’re up to.

At it’s heart, jealousy is a learning experience and an opportunity to understand ourselves better. Dive deeper and you might just come out the other side feeling much more secure in yourself and in your relationship (compersion or not!).