Consent is often taught as a binary- yes or no. And if a maybe is what comes up it should be considered a no. Unfortunately, real life is generally not a binary. Like many things in life (most things?) there is, in reality, a continuum of consent. 

It may be clear and “unambiguous” (I would debate this) to use only this yes/no approach, but it can also lead to consent violation. How is that, you may ask? A yes is a yes and a no is a no. The problem is, this oversimplifies how our nervous systems work. It ignores that we may run into triggers at any moment, get aroused, change our minds, suddenly feel that something is off, or end up in a state of fight, flight, freeze, fawn or other nervous systems states that prevent us from communicating that this simplistic yes/no has shifted. 

Further complication arises when we use this consent approach ex-ante and assume the job is done. If I discuss before a scene or before interacting sexually with someone, it doesn’t account for how things shift in the moment. It also ignores that we may respond in different ways- we may actually shift into a yes, into a heightened state of arousal. There are those who would argue that if this is the case, it isn’t actually consent– that one cannot consent in an altered state, and sexual excitement itself is an altered state.The problem is that for many people, their very sexual patterning is one of responsive desire. 

There are two main modes of desire: spontaneous and responsive desire. Emily Nagoski, in her book “Come As You Are” describes spontaneous desire as sexual interest that arises on its own and responsive desire as interest that emerges in response to a prompt such as emotional closeness, physical touch, or other cues. If you are someone that needs an action to be taken in order to feel aroused, you likely have responsive desire. While if you are often the initiator, you likely have spontaneous desire. 

So what does this have to do with consent? Imagine you are negotiating a kink scene. The person with spontaneous desire may already know what they want- they have a vision of how the scene will play out, what is making them feel aroused now or how they anticipate feeling aroused. While the person with responsive desire may not. “What do you want” or “what do you want to feel” may be meet with an “I don’t know”. This may be interpreted as a person who doesn’t have good boundaries, or hasn’t thought through their needs– which may be the case. Or, it may be that this person simply has responsive desire and in this moment before anything starts, their body is not yet speaking. They aren’t turned on yet. They don’t know what might feel good in the moment, because the moment hasn’t started yet. 

If we require everything to be negotiated up front, we are completely cutting off the ability of the person with responsive desire to actually respond. And when we give the message that everything must be negotiated up front and if it wasn’t negotiated up front it is a consent violation, we are also giving the message that responsive desire cannot or should not be met. That allowing ourselves to respond to desire in the moment is allowing ourselves to be violated. This could not be further from the truth! 

We must obviously be careful here… I do not mean that anything goes in a scene. Hard boundaries and hard boundaries. If something is communicated up front as an absolute no, it is an absolute no. Though, even there, it is possible that responsive desire may arise and shift this in scene. Certainly it is safer in this case to respect and keep the boundary and discuss afterwards if this boundary might shift in the future. 

But the reality is that we may not know up front what is going to turn us on, what we might want (or not want) within a scene until the moment we are there. And those moments are ephemeral- it is not that this moment can be recaptured and played out later when that action can be negotiated up front next time. Next time is a different time, a different mood, a different place, a different life situation, different weather, different timing in the cycle… whatever. It is only in this moment in this place that we are responding. 

So how do we navigate this? There are two concepts I would introduce to this discussion– that of ongoing consent and that of ex-post consent. Ongoing consent is just as it sounds… the need to check in and ensure that consent is there on an ongoing basis. This may or may not be verbal depending on the preference of those involved. Ex-post consent is the idea that after the scene, everyone feels that their consent has been respected.

In order for these concepts to work, we must go deeper than a verbal, theoretical, intellectual conversation. You cannot truly respect consent during a scene (regardless of how you negotiate up front!) without embodiment. In other words, we must be able to feel what consent feels like. We must be able to listen to our bodies and what they are telling us and telling each other throughout a scene. And we must be able to communicate this- verbally or non-verbally to a partner. 

This is not always easy to do! And it can take a long time to achieve, especially if people have a history of trauma, are neurodivergent, or otherwise struggle to feel into their own bodies and express how they are feeling in the moment. It is incredibly common to have a fawn or freeze response or to dissociate when uncomfortable feelings arise or when boundaries are crossed. This obviously complicates the idea of ongoing or ex-post consent because the person reacting in this way may not communicate or may not appear that they are suddenly somewhere else. 

It takes an incredible amount of connection to ensure that these shifts, which can be very subtle, are felt. If one person is overly focused on what they are doing (too focused on the ropes or the technique of the whipping for example), these signs can be very easy to miss. It is also important to note that this can happen the other way around– a sub can be so aroused they pressure a top to continue or to do something that the top is not feeling comfortable with. Nervous system response, a shift in consent, and responsive desire can exist in any and every person and role!

With all this risk, we might conclude that it is still safer to do the simple yes/no, up-front conversation. Unfortunately that is not the case! If we are relying on only that up front conversation, we will also miss these shifts during the scene. We can actually end up violating consent simply because we assumed it was one and done. So while ongoing and ex-post consent are complicated, I would argue that they are in fact the only real versions of full consent. 

It is worth discussing this with every partner every time. We all come in with different expectations. And it may be that this changes day to day. There are plenty of people who would cancel me for suggesting that responsive desire should allow consent to shift during the scene if it means adding something that was not pre-negotiated. If you are playing with someone that expects everything to be pre-negotiated, then it is obviously important to respect it. This does not, however, let you off the hook to constantly check in with your own nervous system and that of your partner to ensure that once in scene those yes items remain a yes. 

But you can also negotiate that you would prefer ongoing and ex-post consent. If you are someone with responsive desire, this may allow you to experience a vastly expanded range of play that arises from the desire in the scene. But this must come with an ability to communicate.

If you are someone that has a tendency to freeze, fawn or dissociate, this should also be communicated. Ideally, you would practice noticing what your body feels like when this happens. Do you go very, very still? Quiet? Could those be cues that you communicate up front? For example you might say, “I would like to see what happens in the scene, because I have responsive desire and I’m not sure what I will want in the moment. But I also sometimes dissociate. So, if you see me suddenly go very quiet, or if you ask for consent and I don’t answer, please slow down and check in with me.”

If you need help learning to read your own body’s cues, or those of a partner, I highly suggest working with a somatic sexologist who can help you learn these important skills. The body speaks, if only we listen.